Best of Humor Quotes

It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.

I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned

When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car. 

I'm never wrong. I once thought I was wrong, turns out, I was mistaken.

i'm one of those people that laughs at a joke 3 TIMES:
ONCE when it's told to me
ONCE when it's explained to me
and
ONCE 5 minutes later when i finally understand it

What do I do when I see someone EXTREMELY GORGEOUS? I STARE, I SMILE, AND WHEN I GET TIRED...I PUT THE MIRROR DOWN

Last night I was looking at the stars and I wondered... where the hell's my ceiling!

When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and leave the world wondering how the hell you did it.

Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

u wrote me a note and it said "n ss!w !" ...it didnt make sense till i turned it upside down!!

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department generally uses water.

Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and do us all a favor and jump off it.

"Before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in their shoes. That way, if they get angry, they are a mile away and barefoot."

I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up your a**.

There is no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people who ask questions.

Ever noticed how all women's problems begin with men?
MENtal illness....MENstrual cramps... MENtal breakdown... MENopause... GUYnocologist !

I am lost. I have gone to find myself, if I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So let's get wasted and have the time of our lives!

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

People will believe anything if you whisper it.

Reality is an illusion caused by a shortage of alcohol.

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

My Imaginary Friend Thinks You Have Mental Problems.

I called your boyfriend gay...and he hit me with his purse.

Life is like a d***
when it gets hard
F*** IT!

The mightiest of weapons is truth. And everyone knows you’re not permitted to enter a Government building with a weapon.

An old battleax of a woman said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband I would put poison in your tea.". Churchill's response, "Ma'am if you were my wife I would drink it.

Rehab Is for Quitters

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Don't go knocking on death's door, ring the doorbell and run, he hates that!!!!!

people like you are the reason we have middle fingers

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet

Dont piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies!

B.I.T.C.H - Beautiful Invidual That Creates Hell

2 50 Cent cds = $37
1 FUBU Shirt = $42
1 Pair of the new M. Jordan shoes = $175
1 *Bling-Blinging* Platinum Chain = $240
Realizing you're white = Priceless

You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

But enough about me, let's talk about you... What do you think of me?

You know you're old when the candles cost more than the cake.

If you can't amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bulls**t.

The important thing is not winning, it's making everyone else lose.

My mind is like god. It works in mysterious ways, no one really understands it, and people debate over whether or not it exists.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's' lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home! 

A peach is a peach, a plum is a plum, a kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue, so open your mouth and close your eyes and give your tongue some exercise! 

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. 

A boy comes home from school and his mum says "what did u learn in skool" he replies "obviously not enough because i have to go back again tomorrow!"

Never argue with an idiot. They'll drag you down to their level then beat you with experience

Knowlege Is Knowing That A Tomato Is A Fruit, Wisdom Is Not Putting It In A Fruit Salad.

Knowlege Is Knowing That A Tomato Is A Fruit, Wisdom Is Not Putting It In A Fruit Salad.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

Love the neighbor, but don't get caught

Before giving a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.

I didn't slap you, I high-fived your face!

"Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening."

"Beer the cause of and solution to all of life's little problems"

I love everybody. Some I love to be around, Some I love to avoid, and others I would love to punch in the face.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

"Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music."

Today I noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy, and all you see is his head and arms sticking out of the water. I bet he's not laughing out loud anymore

All men are idiots, and I married their king

I'll be Burger King and u'll be Mcdonald's, I'll have it my way and you'll be lovin it.

If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane

There are three types of people...those who can count...and those who can't

Don't break someone's heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206 of them.

I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding."

A blonde just texted me and asked, "What does idk mean?". I said I don't know and she said omg nobody noes.

I've used up all my sick days so im calling in dead

A good mum lets you lick the beaters. A great mum turns off the mixer first.

The tooth fairy is to blame for prostitution; she taught us to sell our body for money.

Guy: Why are you wearing a bra? It's not like you have anything to put in it!
Girl: Why are you wearing pants then?!

"A man who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on"

"Did you ever make fun of someone so much you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?"

I'm sarcastic, and have a smart-ass attitude. It's a natural defense against drama, bulls**t, and stupidity.

Luck is my middle name! Unfortunately, my first name is bad.

 I tried to be normal once . WORST five mintues of my life

When you're ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring far longer than usual.

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why.

I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing to play with.

The NHS regret to inform you that your birth was an accident. Please report to the nearest hospital to be put down. We apologise for any inconvenience.

Oh wow. you're really gonna fight me over the internet? What's the worst you can do, caps-lock my ass?

I don't need an instruction manual, I'm perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help, thank you.

Be the kind of woman that, when your feet hit the floor every morning, the devil says, "Oh, crap. She's up."

I may look calm, but in my head, I've killed you three times.

Of all the things in life I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young

Dont talk to me when I'm talking to myself

I don't really dislike some people...but if they were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.

If u could read my mind... u wouldn't be smiling... =)

Our health teacher told us that "1 out of 3 people who start smoking will eventually die." The other two apparently became immortal.

"Nobody goes to McDonald's for their salads. That's like going to a crackhouse for vitamins."

I hate mosquitoes!!! I mean, I know I'm delicious but damn...

Confucius say: man who stand on toilet is high on pot

"Beer. Now there's a temporary solution."

I'm multi-talented i can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Those who say that words can never hurt them, never got hit in the head with a dictionary.

Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything, but you can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I'm the type of girl, who can watch tons of horror movies without getting scared. But screams at the top of my lungs when the waffle pops out of the toaster.

I had a wet dream about you last night...
I pissed myself laughing when you fell off a cliff!

I had a wet dream about you last night...
I pissed myself laughing when you fell off a cliff!

please note:

CHRISTMAS HAS BEEN CANCELLED!

apparently, YOU told Santa that you have been GOOD this year...
He died laughing

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.